


And The Memories I Never Can Escape

by lovethatwewerein



Series: 'Cause I'm Not Fine At All [1]
Category: Glee
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-09-29
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:54:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26718610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovethatwewerein/pseuds/lovethatwewerein
Summary: It was only a matter of time before Blaine would leave, gone onto bigger and better things than his boyfriend from Ohio. He would move on, would conquer Broadway with barely a sweat. He would be everything Sebastian ever imagined he could be and more. But, even with that reality constantly swimming in the background of their relationship, he had thought he would have more time.
Relationships: Blaine Anderson/Sebastian Smythe
Series: 'Cause I'm Not Fine At All [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1959136
Comments: 5
Kudos: 28





	And The Memories I Never Can Escape

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from 'Amnesia' by 5 Seconds of Summer

It was only a matter of time before Blaine would leave, gone onto bigger and better things than his boyfriend from Ohio. He would move on, would conquer Broadway with barely a sweat. He would be everything Sebastian ever imagined he could be and more. But, even with that reality constantly swimming in the background of their relationship, he had thought he would have more time. 

“You’re leaving?” 

Blaine nodded at him, biting his bottom lip as he avoided Sebastian’s gaze. Kurt was waiting by the doorway, staring at them with interest as they spoke, anticipating the moment Blaine would return to his side and leave Sebastian’s forever. 

*

_The music pounded through the floorboards, dragging its way up his body to his ears. Blaine leaned against him, swaying to a song that required so much more as he drank his beer. Sebastian had finished his gin and tonic already, the glass collected and the remaining ice emptied into the sink. He wasn’t sure what Scandals had on tonight, whether it was karaoke or a band or more drag queens than could possibly exist in west Lima, but he was with Blaine and that made the drive worth it._

_“Are you okay?” He asked Blaine, leaning lower to be heard over the sound of an eighties song only his dad would know the name of._

_“I’m great,” Blaine answered, balancing his hip against the counter when someone bumped into him from behind. “I’m really glad you let me tag along.”_

_He laughs, wrapping his fingers around Blaine’s wrist to pull him closer when half a dozen people flood to the bar. The shorter boy smiles up at him, his eyes shining under the dim lighting, under the influence of half a bottle of beer. “Did you expect me to say no to ogling your ass in those pants, killer?”_

_“You’re the worst,” Blaine chuckles, pushing lightly against Sebastian’s chest. He doesn’t mean it, they both know each other too well for that, but he pouts until Blaine brushes a kiss to his cheek, warm breath on warm skin that flushes under the action. “Happy now?”_

_“Let’s dance.”_

*

He stares at Blaine, anticipating the punchline, the moment where it’s revealed that this is just some trick they’re playing to mess with him. When it doesn’t come, when Blaine stands in front of him awaiting an answer, he sighs. 

“Why?”

He isn’t sure his voice has ever been so small, that he’s ever been so unsure of anything in his life. This isn’t who he is, fragile and afraid of only being second best. But Blaine’s always been different, always worn his heart on his sleeve and let the world see exactly what he meant, what he felt. This is just another one of those moments, the big one that fixes things for a little while because he looks so damn good when he smiles that widely. 

“My heart is at McKinley, Sebastian,” he shrugs and the way he looks at Kurt, love-struck and just a little bit stupid, makes his heart ache. Makes him wonder if he was ever going to be enough. “Surely you can understand that.”

*

_He’s beautiful like this, hair windswept and ringlets falling into his eyes. It’s rare that Blaine’s this unguarded, his hair loose, free, and it’s an honour to see it. His eyes shine, bright hazel in the setting sun, and his cheeks flush beneath the heat of the summer’s day, above the sand and the sea._

_“Why are you staring at me?”_

_“Have I ever told you that you’re beautiful?”_

_There’s no filter today, nothing stopping him from being open with the only boy he’s liked since moving to Ohio, the only boy that’s moved him to like Ohio at all. Everything is allowed to be surfaced, to linger between their hot breaths and cold legs, to stick between their toes and ears until long after they go to bed, returning to Dalton narrowly before curfew._

_“You’ve told me my ass is beautiful,” Blaine jokes, picking up some sand from his left just to sprinkle it on his right. “Does that count?”_

_“No,” he shakes his head, curling an arm below his head as he lays down. The sand is cooling quickly underneath him, the day’s heat fading the longer they stay where they are. “It doesn’t.”_

_“Then no, you’ve never told me I’m beautiful.”_

_“Well, I am now.”_

_And it’s kind of perfect, rolling together in the sunset for their first kiss, for that first moment of bliss. It’s the kind of kiss meant for storybooks, for princesses and fairy tales but, with the waves lapping gently metres away and golden sand falling onto his chest from Blaine’s hair when he pulls back, he can’t bring himself to care._

*

“I can’t see why you’d leave the Warblers,” he argues, trying desperately not to glare at Kurt. If nothing else, he’s respected them. Maybe he’s continued to make advances when he’s wanted to be Blaine’s again, when jealousy curls hotly in his stomach until he feels ill, but he’s never acted upon it, has let them have some boundaries regardless of how many there are. 

“You’ll be fine without me.” 

“We’ve just lost Wes,” That’s not the point he wants to make. They don’t need Wes, they don’t need a council as long as they have a leader but they can’t lose Blaine. He can’t lose Blaine. “We’ve already descended into chaos.” 

“I’m not the only functioning member of the Warblers, Sebastian,” Blaine says, his eyes straying to Kurt. It’s met by a nod and then Kurt departs, lost to the halls of Dalton so they can have a moment alone, something they’ve so rarely been granted since Kurt admitted his affection for Blaine. 

“That doesn’t mean we want to do this without you.” 

“If anything this is a chance for other people to get solos.” 

“That doesn’t mean I want to do this without you.” 

*

_It’s the first time he doesn’t get completely drunk at a Warbler party. Nick’s staring at him like he’s gone crazy, like he’s a foreign entity that he’s never met. He doesn’t join in with Twister or Spin the Bottle or any of the games Jeff has planned, barely in the mood to be there, let alone to watch Kurt curl his arms around Blaine in his search for a blue circle on the floor._

_“What are you thinking about?” Jeff asks him, flopping down on the sofa with as much poise as a fish, drops of his drink sloshing over the rim of his cup._

_“Nothing,” he says, paying close attention to the way Blaine bends over in his attempt to reach a red circle, his ass sticking up unfairly. He isn’t the only one who notices it, Kurt’s eyes glimpsing down every so often from the angle he’s at to ogle it. “What are you thinking about?”_

_“Nachos,” Jeff nods, downing the last of his drink before placing the cup on the table, half of it balancing off the edge. “And the meaning of life. But mainly nachos.”_

_He raises an eyebrow, never really sure what to say when Jeff is clearly verging on drunk. “Maybe you should go and make some nachos.”_

_“That’s a great idea,” Jeff almost shouts in his ear, bouncing up again. He watches with joy as the noise causes Kurt to tumble, his face meeting the Twister mat. “You’re a genius, Seb.”_

_“Actually,” he responds, gesturing to Nick when Jeff turns back to him. “Maybe you should ask Nick to make them. So you don’t have to.”_

_“Even better.”_

_Jeff wanders off with Nick, arms flailing as he explains something, nachos probably, to his best friend. He has a bet going with Blaine on how long it will take them to get together and, if he has things his way, Blaine owes him big time._

_It takes an hour before Blaine abandons Kurt to hang out with him, throwing himself halfway across Sebastian’s lap and squirming as he tries to get comfortable. It’s slightly annoying, the gel that’s come loose in his hair from sweating as the night progressed staining his t-shirt, but the point is that Blaine is with him and not Kurt for once._

_“You doing okay, killer?”_

_“‘m tired,” Blaine mumbles, burying his face in Sebastian’s shoulder. “You don’t smell drunk.”_

_“That’s because I haven’t been drinking.”_

_“You always drink.”_

_“You’re making me sound like an alcoholic,” he glares and Blaine blinks up at him, putting all of his effort into processing the words, the language far too complicated for any drunk mind to understand. “I can have fun without alcohol, you know.”_

_“I know that. It just doesn’t seem like you.”_

_“Well, you just spent half the evening with Kurt staring at your ass,” he counters and Blaine groans, planting his face in Sebastian’s shoulder. “So neither of us are much ourselves tonight.”_

_“I didn’t know he was staring,” and it’s muffled by his skin, but the sentiment is there, lost between layers of questions neither of them has the confidence to ask._

_“It was very obvious,” he grumbles, shifting his body so they’re almost lying down, Blaine already caught between asleep and awake. “I don’t know how you missed it.”_

_“Well, I was distracted by you staring at my ass.”_

_He laughs, deep and low before letting himself drift off, the steady rise and fall of Blaine’s chest against his own, relaxing him despite his location. Despite their constant fluctuation in what they aimed to be._

*

Blaine reaches across to him, a palm he knows is bound to be warm that he wants to feel wrapped around his wrist, around his upper arm or spread out on his thigh. He flinches away, pushing his chair back against the floor with a loud scrape, Blaine dropping his arm with a frown. 

“Can you not just be happy for me?” He begs, and it’s easy to forget that they’re arguing when Blaine looks at him like this, eyes honest and wide, filled with pain. “You’re meant to be my best friend.” 

“We haven’t been best friends for a long time, Blaine.”

“What?” 

“We’ve been more than that since that day on the beach,” he says, averting his gaze to the wall behind the shorter boy so he can focus on memories, on the warmth of the sun, on the lazy press of Blaine’s lips against his neck that evening, on what they could’ve been without Kurt getting in the way. “And you know it.” 

“I’m with Kurt,” Blaine protests, a hand dragging through his curls, gel sticking between his fingers. His hair is rarely loose now, matted down to his head instead of free, instead of living a life of its own. “What we had was fun but it wasn’t meant to be more than that, Sebastian. Tell me honestly that was an option.”

“Of course we were an option, Blaine,” his chair clatters to the floor, thrown backwards through his passion and rage. “I would’ve given anything for you to see me as an option.” 

"I would've let myself if I thought it was remotely possible."

“Why didn’t you say anything then?” 

“Because I knew your reputation,” Blaine sighs, head sinking into his hands. “I knew that you don’t do boyfriends. Or monogamy. And I could respect that. I was just happy to have a small part of you to myself.” 

“I didn’t know you wanted more than fooling around. You know that I’d give you the world if you asked me to.” 

“I don’t want to the world,” Blaine glances up then, hazel eyes glistening with tears. His cheeks are red and his bottom lip is swollen and, as much as it hurts, it might be the prettiest he’s looked in months. “I wanted you.” 

“You can have me,” he admits, the last of his resolve crumbling. This is it, the culmination of a year spent dodging the serious topics, disguising the few things that could ruin him and watching them fall to pieces. “You only have to ask.” 

He knows as soon as he says it that he’s too late, that he can’t have everything he wants, that it’s too late to give himself over to the riot crashing through him. Blaine stares at him, mouth hanging open just a little bit as he scrunches his eyes shut, as he battles with himself more harshly than he should need to. 

He swallows and, for the first time, allows his gaze to meet Blaine’s firmly. This is it, their grand love story come to a halting stop, to a sudden drop that they can’t recover from no matter the time they spend trying to mend it. He hates it, that he’s done this to him purely because he wanted to be selfish when it came to Blaine, that he wanted the chill running through his veins at the news of Blaine’s transfer to heat thoroughly. 

“I’m sorry,” Blaine breathes, wiping his palms on his trousers as he stands. He smiles, solemn and sad, and that might be the most painful part, knowing that he was just a few weeks too late. 

“Me too.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm at love-that-we-were-in on tumblr if you ever want to reach out.


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